For many years I've tried to be a "day person"- someone who manages to get work or hobbies completed by the end of the day, using the night hours for sleep. I've failed at this time and time again. From sunrise to sunset I find myself lethargic, more depressed than usual and all sorts of negative emotions.
As soon as the sun begins to fall, I begin to feel my spirits lift; my soul starts to come alive and I can function. While
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Monday, April 13, 2015
When Your Hero Falls...
No amount of neglect, abandonment or abuse, regardless of the type, can hurt the soul more than seeing a loved one being abused in any form. It's at any age but the younger it starts the harder it is to cope; not to mention how it leaves the soul and brain physically damaged- just hearing or listening!
Taking it a step further, when it is the person whom you love; the person who refused to let you live in foster care or on the streets; the one you deem your primary care taker even if they struggle they at least try to take care of you. This soul is the kind of soul the world lacks; one that is truly kind, gentle, warm, accepting, nurturing and loving. You want to do anything you can to save them from what you see; from the horrible threats and words shouted...but you can't.
Silently hidden and watching, you
Taking it a step further, when it is the person whom you love; the person who refused to let you live in foster care or on the streets; the one you deem your primary care taker even if they struggle they at least try to take care of you. This soul is the kind of soul the world lacks; one that is truly kind, gentle, warm, accepting, nurturing and loving. You want to do anything you can to save them from what you see; from the horrible threats and words shouted...but you can't.
Silently hidden and watching, you
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Cloudy Day...
Outside my window the grey clouds seem a bit intimidating. I prefer days like this; cloudy, the smell of rain and the wonder of if any is actually going to come. On this day, however, the colorless sky reminds me much of my heart, my emotions.
Events of childhood, even in infancy, make up who we are so much and the ghosts from the past rarely want to let go. I stay away from the memories as much as possible, but when there are triggers everywhere you look it becomes hard to deal with. Even if successful at blocking out the triggers it's likely you'll have to cope with them, and they can sometimes be almost as bad as having a flashback.
Emotionally I can still feel how it felt when my biological parents each independently left, every last time. I don't just remember how it felt, I feel it all over again. So anything that one could construe as abandonment or being unwanted is a huge trigger some days while most days I've grown to learn to handle what is being thrown at me. There are days when I am weaker than others- these are the days the grey skies cover up any hope of a colorful vision. Everything seems so dull, but I refuse to focus on it.
Instead, I've decided today is a day I will spend hidden in my room with books and blankets and plenty of things to write with. Books open up an entire new world and that's where I'd like to be right now.
There is a quote that says something along the lines of, "some days if you just survive you have accomplished something great"- I'm paraphrasing that greatly but that is how today, and the past few days, have felt. I want no pity, no sympathy, none of that. Again, another part of my journey so thought I'd share. I have a feeling I'll be writing more later. For now I am off to read!
Events of childhood, even in infancy, make up who we are so much and the ghosts from the past rarely want to let go. I stay away from the memories as much as possible, but when there are triggers everywhere you look it becomes hard to deal with. Even if successful at blocking out the triggers it's likely you'll have to cope with them, and they can sometimes be almost as bad as having a flashback.
Emotionally I can still feel how it felt when my biological parents each independently left, every last time. I don't just remember how it felt, I feel it all over again. So anything that one could construe as abandonment or being unwanted is a huge trigger some days while most days I've grown to learn to handle what is being thrown at me. There are days when I am weaker than others- these are the days the grey skies cover up any hope of a colorful vision. Everything seems so dull, but I refuse to focus on it.
Instead, I've decided today is a day I will spend hidden in my room with books and blankets and plenty of things to write with. Books open up an entire new world and that's where I'd like to be right now.
There is a quote that says something along the lines of, "some days if you just survive you have accomplished something great"- I'm paraphrasing that greatly but that is how today, and the past few days, have felt. I want no pity, no sympathy, none of that. Again, another part of my journey so thought I'd share. I have a feeling I'll be writing more later. For now I am off to read!
The Game of Thrones, Series 1 Book VS TV Series
I have a feeling most people are not going to like my view of the TV version of the Game of Thrones. To each their own. Additionally, people may think my review of the show and preference towards the book is a bit harsh or prudish.
On the contrary, it is because the book has such a wonderful plot, the characters are so distinguished as opposed to going off course with the story (see below regarding Bran's fall, for example) and having random, useless and thoughtless scenes thrown in as 'entertainment' that has made me feel as I do towards the show. It is easily a triggering TV series for survivors whereas the book isn't. Why was there a need for a change?
As a gift I received the first five books in the Game of Thrones series. I began reading and fell in love the story. The books thus far have had an amazing and in depth story to tell; yes, it does include sex but nothing over the top and by far not of great frequency. Finally, the Game of Thrones built up incredible and distinct characters; something the show is failing to do. The book series is easily is one of my favorite to date. I was a bit apprehensive to read them as I recall when the show first aired on HBO I knew it wouldn't be a show I'd like for many reasons; the main two being, I'm not a huge fan of television anyway and it looked to be just another story filled with pointless sex and nudity.
On the contrary, it is because the book has such a wonderful plot, the characters are so distinguished as opposed to going off course with the story (see below regarding Bran's fall, for example) and having random, useless and thoughtless scenes thrown in as 'entertainment' that has made me feel as I do towards the show. It is easily a triggering TV series for survivors whereas the book isn't. Why was there a need for a change?
As a gift I received the first five books in the Game of Thrones series. I began reading and fell in love the story. The books thus far have had an amazing and in depth story to tell; yes, it does include sex but nothing over the top and by far not of great frequency. Finally, the Game of Thrones built up incredible and distinct characters; something the show is failing to do. The book series is easily is one of my favorite to date. I was a bit apprehensive to read them as I recall when the show first aired on HBO I knew it wouldn't be a show I'd like for many reasons; the main two being, I'm not a huge fan of television anyway and it looked to be just another story filled with pointless sex and nudity.
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Random Update on Future Posts
When I was in my early teens I would go to every thrift store possible, garage sales, any book store that was having a sale, looking for books on writing. The ideal book I was looking for were college text books with questions to be answered in an essay or writers books with writers prompts in them. Not because I couldn't come up with a topic myself; I liked the randomness of the ideas they would throw at you. In the college books I liked the entire learning process. I wrote my first complete novel at 15 years old (I've never tried to sell and I don't believe I ever would) but I still would do those prompts and reading/writing exercises every day before I began working on my book.
Not only did I learn a lot it also helped me to expand my topics of research and writing into areas I normally wouldn't venture. To this day it has left an everlasting impact on me, and so I've decided I am going to do writing prompts and exercises everyday (I am not sure I will post all of them) once again.
Because I am not going to bring up political stuff on this blog I am going to also be sharing random rants about any and everything. So beware of all of the above =) And no, this post won't have any exercise in it... Just wanted to update anyone who may happen to care lol.
Not only did I learn a lot it also helped me to expand my topics of research and writing into areas I normally wouldn't venture. To this day it has left an everlasting impact on me, and so I've decided I am going to do writing prompts and exercises everyday (I am not sure I will post all of them) once again.
Because I am not going to bring up political stuff on this blog I am going to also be sharing random rants about any and everything. So beware of all of the above =) And no, this post won't have any exercise in it... Just wanted to update anyone who may happen to care lol.
I Wish Wishes Came True
What does one need in order to feel complete and confident; in order to function fully and be at their finest when working towards their passions and dreams? I believe because each of us have different dreams and passion, it make sense that what people need in this aspect would also differ. However, this blog is dedicated to reaching my dreams and my path along the way and seeing that wishing is better than nothing...
What would it take for me to feel comfortable enough to be able to go after my dreams in a relaxed manner? The question would have to be narrowed down for there are so many things if we are speaking of everything; I'd wish for some normality in my personal/home life. I’d wish that the people I meet and counsel, on or offline, would be blessed and their lives would flourish. I would wish for no more pain, homeless, illnesses, broken homes, etc. I suppose many of us would. Then there’s always money problems, so I'd wish all fears of money and issues it brings along to be gone. I'd wish for more hours in the day and for more strength within me so that I may help more people without growing very weak and sickly.
As for my personal life,
What would it take for me to feel comfortable enough to be able to go after my dreams in a relaxed manner? The question would have to be narrowed down for there are so many things if we are speaking of everything; I'd wish for some normality in my personal/home life. I’d wish that the people I meet and counsel, on or offline, would be blessed and their lives would flourish. I would wish for no more pain, homeless, illnesses, broken homes, etc. I suppose many of us would. Then there’s always money problems, so I'd wish all fears of money and issues it brings along to be gone. I'd wish for more hours in the day and for more strength within me so that I may help more people without growing very weak and sickly.
As for my personal life,
Monday, April 6, 2015
Fear Removed, Standing my Ground- A Personal and Emotional Post and Day
*Note: I almost didn't post this because I see it as personal and pointless, but it is part of my story. It is part of my journey both as a growing individual and an aspiring author and artist. It is a bit emotional but this is where I let go; this is where I am allowed to be free of any care or worry. And now, here's to hoping for an end to the sad and tragic times quickly as possible. *
For weeks
binders, folders, random notebook papers, file cases and journals have
covered the entire side of my bed. I want to go through my collected
writings for many reasons: inspiration, ideas, half written stories
I'd like to finish writing or a possible forgotten piece for me to work
on and add to one of my poetry, essay or short story compilation
book(s). Not to mention, it is nice as well as it is motivating to
see the works I've created over just the past years. I have far more
work from childhood and teenage years which I haven't even bothered
looking at yet.
But there is a problem.
For weeks
binders, folders, random notebook papers, file cases and journals have
covered the entire side of my bed. I want to go through my collected
writings for many reasons: inspiration, ideas, half written stories
I'd like to finish writing or a possible forgotten piece for me to work
on and add to one of my poetry, essay or short story compilation
book(s). Not to mention, it is nice as well as it is motivating to
see the works I've created over just the past years. I have far more
work from childhood and teenage years which I haven't even bothered
looking at yet.But there is a problem.
Saturday, April 4, 2015
New Chapter in My Life: Tonight I Let My Fears of Failure Leave Me
Before I start this I just wanna note another goal I have for this webpage and myself: Write and post
here at least once a day, every day, until I am published [ or longer ]. I've always been too afraid of rejection (thanks to a life time of abuse and rejection) to try to publish any of my work. Just working on compiling and planning it sometimes scares me and I want to run.
I have been so afraid of failing my biggest passion and dreams I've allowed society to lower my
belief in my chances, to make me not want to try. Basically, I allowed fear to move into my heart and I let a lot of once in a lifetime things simply pass by. I can't get them back now, but I can control the future.
I can't run away this time- I refuse to. I've experienced more of 'life' than I care to admit, from infancy onward. I am now in my twenties and after this last traumatic event, I feel I've finally hit the bottom this time. Everyone is different but personally I can only watch/hear loved ones being treated severely abused or wronged and not break. Add that to all the other personal struggles going on in life and after awhile burn out will knock you down. At least,
here at least once a day, every day, until I am published [ or longer ]. I've always been too afraid of rejection (thanks to a life time of abuse and rejection) to try to publish any of my work. Just working on compiling and planning it sometimes scares me and I want to run.I have been so afraid of failing my biggest passion and dreams I've allowed society to lower my
belief in my chances, to make me not want to try. Basically, I allowed fear to move into my heart and I let a lot of once in a lifetime things simply pass by. I can't get them back now, but I can control the future.
I can't run away this time- I refuse to. I've experienced more of 'life' than I care to admit, from infancy onward. I am now in my twenties and after this last traumatic event, I feel I've finally hit the bottom this time. Everyone is different but personally I can only watch/hear loved ones being treated severely abused or wronged and not break. Add that to all the other personal struggles going on in life and after awhile burn out will knock you down. At least,
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Defeating Fear and Chasing My Dreams...
Though I know you are never supposed to show your weakness(es) I am going to show mine and try to overcome both (I have more but these two are troublesome). Success or failure; which shall it be?
I'll start by saying growing up was far from 'normal' and abuse as well as neglect embedded themselves in my tiny head and have remained my friends since those days so long past. I've wanted to be a writer / researcher all of my life. I used to ask for notepads and pens when I was 3 and couldn't write. I day dreamed of learning to read and to understand how to make words with these two objects; a pen, a piece of paper. It wasn't very long after that before I learned these secret and by age 6 I started my life long collection of journals.
Now at over 130 not including my computer journals.
I've spent years researching and writing for myself. For awhile I wrote for others and of course I have kept at least one blog at a time running for over a decade now. But to be an author means more. I have countless short stories and poems along side a couple of full out books I've written but done nothing with. Fear is horrible and dominated me for far too long. Honestly,
I just love the process of researching and writing...but it would be nice to have some money because sadly if that's all you spend your time doing (unless you're rich) you'll find yourself writing with new, strange people every day.
Recently another traumatic event happened and it landed me in survival mode. I am going to be brave, from here on out, and take risks for what is life without risk anyhow? If my work is rejected and hated at least I tried. To me a person cannot fail until they give up or don't try. So I made this blog to go with me on my journey, and here we are.
My other dream has been to be an artist. I do many types of art, but photography is my favorite...photography and photo manipulation, that is. I love self expression and emotive photos. And after putting my camera down due to a house of dysfunction and rage, I've finally picked it back up again and am going to start a Flickr account for both my photography and digital art work.
I'm trying. I don't expect the masses to stop their lives and watch as I go on about my journey, but who knows, maybe this will in some way help someone or do something positive... I truly hope it does.
Lesson of the moment: Refusing to let fear of not being good enough defeat me.
Now, action time!!! : So, I'm going to grab my cameras and go take some shots, come back, manipulate them and hopefully when shared tonight they'll be met with interest.
Writing, photography and all art are stories or expressions are from my soul; pieces of either my past or present as well as my emotions. So of course it is hard to put those raw creations outside to be judged or rejected. But at least I am trying and maybe I'll get a surprise. Maybe I am finally on my way to touching my deepest goals and dreams.
And with that, my journey officially begins!
If you've read this, no matter who you are... Never give up! Find a way, make a way, to spend life doing what you love, not what you've been told.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Important Things All Need to Remember About the American Pit Bull
I say forget it because below I will share the proven truth regarding
these beautiful dogs. Though I wanted my first rant on here to be about
what I plan on ranting about lol I've decided I'll jump in head first
with this one because it is one of many important issues, as all across
America these poor, innocent dogs are being slaughtered; and for what?!
This post aims to educate and I hope inspire others to help save Pit
Bulls from cruelty. Cruelty is sadly something they face on too many
fronts. Such as it could be due to mean owners, dog fighting and
"training" and/or horrible abuses. Let us not forget for-profit media
and how they lie for ratings! How they infect too much of the population
because so many sleep.
Below, you will find the real statistics and facts regarding the Pit Bull. It is my hope you will research this topic more, and either share this page or other pages with other people to expand awareness, or do something yourself. Every person matters.
I can say with all honesty, nothing hurts my heart and soul more than seeing an innocent, defenseless or broken spirited soul either being hurt, previously hurt or fed up with living. Lies outrage me, and if you can handle reading the research, facts and statistics below, hopefully you'll be just as out raged as I am. It should go without being said, but, for sanity's sake, one other of my passionate beliefs is standing up for the misjudging, mislabeling, selfish, heartless lies told and believed regarding Pit Bulls.
Personal experience, research, statistics all show there is such a deep misconception regarding these amazing dogs. Saying these dogs are vicious murderers is a horribly cruel and deceptive way to get the grotesque meter running; and the numbers flooding in. Why? For-Profit media are fueled by more than just corporations; they have demands (ratings) to meet and compete against!
So, being fueled by societies lust for horror stories the media and further fueled by the people who watch for profit media, such as Fox News or CNN, by filling
This post aims to educate and I hope inspire others to help save Pit
Bulls from cruelty. Cruelty is sadly something they face on too many
fronts. Such as it could be due to mean owners, dog fighting and
"training" and/or horrible abuses. Let us not forget for-profit media
and how they lie for ratings! How they infect too much of the population
because so many sleep.
Below, you will find the real statistics and facts regarding the Pit Bull. It is my hope you will research this topic more, and either share this page or other pages with other people to expand awareness, or do something yourself. Every person matters.
I can say with all honesty, nothing hurts my heart and soul more than seeing an innocent, defenseless or broken spirited soul either being hurt, previously hurt or fed up with living. Lies outrage me, and if you can handle reading the research, facts and statistics below, hopefully you'll be just as out raged as I am. It should go without being said, but, for sanity's sake, one other of my passionate beliefs is standing up for the misjudging, mislabeling, selfish, heartless lies told and believed regarding Pit Bulls.
Personal experience, research, statistics all show there is such a deep misconception regarding these amazing dogs. Saying these dogs are vicious murderers is a horribly cruel and deceptive way to get the grotesque meter running; and the numbers flooding in. Why? For-Profit media are fueled by more than just corporations; they have demands (ratings) to meet and compete against!
So, being fueled by societies lust for horror stories the media and further fueled by the people who watch for profit media, such as Fox News or CNN, by filling
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)