Fear Removed, Standing my Ground- A Personal and Emotional Post and Day

*Note: I almost didn't post this because I see it as personal and pointless, but it is part of my story. It is part of my journey both as a growing individual and an aspiring author and artist. It is a bit emotional but this is where I let go; this is where I am allowed to be free of any care or worry. And now, here's to hoping for an end to the sad and tragic times quickly as possible. *
 
For weeks binders, folders, random notebook papers, file cases and journals have covered the entire side of my bed. I want to go through my collected writings for many reasons: inspiration, ideas, half written stories I'd like to finish writing or a possible forgotten piece for me to work on and add to one of my poetry, essay or short story compilation book(s). Not to mention, it is nice as well as it is motivating to see the works I've created over just the past years. I have far more work from childhood and teenage years which I haven't even bothered looking at yet.

But there is a problem.

The problem is within me, it is in how I respond to the trauma around me. I don't want to sound like a martyr and I want no pity. I just want to vent. This is, after all, part of my story and journey towards reaching my goals; I want to include all aspects. With that in mind, among other things I struggle with (c)PTSD. I know what it means to suffer and I hate seeing other people in pain. The problem is sometimes I go too far out to help try and save another soul only to replace them in this deep, swirling ocean. Everything I do is with good intent, I never aim to cause harm or interrupt others in anyway. Yet here I am again. The worst part is I have to figure out the current of the water and get out of the chaotic ocean alone.

These kind of moments are very terrifying for me. Mainly because recently something new has begun to happen...my comfort and safety are hidden away. Reading and writing, along with music, have always been there for me since I can remember, serving as the only stability in my life while also opening up a beautiful escape path where I could fly far away from the angry abuse and neglect going on in the place I called 'home'. As I got older photography became another way to escape my disenchanted life. Again, I say none of this for pity, I'm saying it because it is what it is, I want nothing for it. Except perhaps to understand it a bit more.

I never have refused or lost interest in my escape paths. My attention to one path may grow for one more over the other at times but not one of them ever lowers. With that said, these past few weeks I've been struggling with personal issues and have found I seem to be locked out of all but one escape route. The one route unblocked is reading; I am currently reading the Game of Throne series (or what has been released) and find myself absolutely lost in it. I love books that can do that to you; pull you in and not let you go. There is nothing wrong with reading of course, I just wish I could go back to balance for I have so many dreams to catch.

But I digress. What can I do now that my safety nets are behind locked gates...? Fight back. In the past I would succumb to the pains and struggles which were smothering me, and I let fear take absolute control. I missed out on a lot of great opportunities because of that. Never again will I allow myself to be defeated and forgotten because of fear. 

So I made this blog, for starters, not only to document and share my journey as an aspiring writer and artist but also to hold me accountable. The door has opened again for me to go through and attempt to find my direction; my direction being the location where I can find the starting point of my goals and dreams.The door won't close without me this time.

I refuse to give in to the torment and pain around me and within. But it isn't easy when so much abuse is happening at home, not only triggering hidden memories but creating new one to go with the unwanted stock pile in my brain. It makes it much more difficult when those who said they'd always hold you up not only ignore what you are going through but add to it by making their pain, yours.

Some people seem to think I have the power of the gods and can hold up the world with ease. That is the furthest thing from the truth. It's very frightening when you find you can't escape this realities pains and troubles by doing the things you love to do. What gets me through the moments when I feel abandon by everyone and everything is remember that this is not forever. The gates will open back up soon; until then it is my job to remain focused, even through hard, frightening times and press on. So many people say to not let your personal life impact your professional life. How can it not? I don't believe it is possible for me to ever not be impacted when certain things occur. But how I respond when these things occur I can control, and I will. 

So I will force myself to do my best every day and wait out the tormenting pains and fears instead of trying to find peace by running. This time I am standing my ground and will continue to access my 'portal' to serenity. And just as it has happened many times before, the gates will reopen one day and I'll be back in my fortress of creativity and safety. It won't last forever; and as I wait for safety to return, I finally am doing what I should have done long ago... I am standing tall; and I am not running away.