What would it take for me to feel comfortable enough to be able to go after my dreams in a relaxed manner? The question would have to be narrowed down for there are so many things if we are speaking of everything; I'd wish for some normality in my personal/home life. I’d wish that the people I meet and counsel, on or offline, would be blessed and their lives would flourish. I would wish for no more pain, homeless, illnesses, broken homes, etc. I suppose many of us would. Then there’s always money problems, so I'd wish all fears of money and issues it brings along to be gone. I'd wish for more hours in the day and for more strength within me so that I may help more people without growing very weak and sickly.
As for my personal life,
the one thing that would help me the most, both as a soul and as a writer (this would help me in all aspects of life, really), would be to have stability. Stability within my mom an d dad’s home; for peace to come. To have a safe, stable and reliable place to go anytime I needed. I wouldn't have the need to worry over my mom's safety. Domestic violence and abuses have plagued my world since before I can recall.
From the age of a toddler and through my entire childhood I dreamed of how I'd save my mom from the sadistic abuses she underwent and how proud she'd be when she saw I was a success at art and writing. I should have saved her by now…or at least accomplished one of the two. Yet.
If I could do that, I'd ask for nothing else. Recently, I moved back in because I wanted to protect her, more than ever now, since this latest vicious incident occurred. I should have been here to prevent -it but I wasn't.
People began telling me softly but firmly that I've done all I can and need to move on with my life. The reason being only she could save herself. It took me a very long time to consider their words but slowly I have begun to. Perhaps I can't change her or save her. People had been trying to tell me for years you can help someone but in the end it is up to them to take the action of saving themselves.
Of course I knew that deep down the other person has to do the actual action. And to this very moment I believe loved ones should do all possible to help; but where the line blurs for me is at that location. When has one helped enough? When is it time for them to stand up and take over?
And that is at least one answer; it is by far the most serious. I would wish for a stable life where my mom was safe. If I had that, I'd be able to write, do art and whatever else I wish without a worry in the world. I could focus. The fear of losing people wouldn't know me so well...
Life would be a lot easier if it were that way. But that's not my reality. So, I have to find some healthy way to continue to cope and also continue without failing or stopping to chase after my life long dreams...
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