here at least once a day, every day, until I am published [ or longer ]. I've always been too afraid of rejection (thanks to a life time of abuse and rejection) to try to publish any of my work. Just working on compiling and planning it sometimes scares me and I want to run.I have been so afraid of failing my biggest passion and dreams I've allowed society to lower my
belief in my chances, to make me not want to try. Basically, I allowed fear to move into my heart and I let a lot of once in a lifetime things simply pass by. I can't get them back now, but I can control the future.
I can't run away this time- I refuse to. I've experienced more of 'life' than I care to admit, from infancy onward. I am now in my twenties and after this last traumatic event, I feel I've finally hit the bottom this time. Everyone is different but personally I can only watch/hear loved ones being treated severely abused or wronged and not break. Add that to all the other personal struggles going on in life and after awhile burn out will knock you down. At least,
it did me.
It was my biological grandmother that adopted me (from here onward she will be referred to as my mom) and I swore I'd save her from the horrors of our house but I haven't yet. That alone is enough to break the spirit.
I've been researching and writing since I was 6 years old
and keeping it to myself. Until blogging came about, but even on my blogs I've never shared my fiction writing, my poetry or any other form of writing other than to talk about history and/or sociopolitical topics. I blame myself for allowing the fear of failure to make me feel I didn't stand a chance; for making me feel my goals and dreams weren't worth someone like me trying to reach.But from this moment on, my life is going to start going up for the first time. I know my true friends, communities and hopefully readers, too, will be around as there are always going to be hard days...
I've made my mind and heart up; no more will fear control me. I am going to make a change, a positive one, that will help not only my soul heal, but hopefully help my loved ones out as well... I refuse to listen to the cruel lies fear whisper and screams anytime a good opportunity arises. From now on if an opportunity I want is in front of me, I am going after said opportunity with all I have inside.
Tonight I sit here with a renewed state of mind and a refreshed, eager soul. I refuse to let others tell me what I can and cannot do or be; what is normal and not normal. Starting right now I am giving my life over to my passions- I am giving both writing, research and photography all I have, and I refuse to stop until I've died doing all I can to reach my dreams.
I'm not going to wait for them to simply find me, either. No. I am going to start and try to create my own chances. For instance, I have decided to go ahead and submit a few pieces into contests, just to see if anything comes of it. I plan on not only publishing the current book I am working on later this year, but also opening a store online to sell my art and photography. But I digress. (I'll bore anyone who is reading this about those things in another post.) =]
I'm only in my twenties, yes, but I've lost close friends not much older than me who never saw their dreams of being an artist come true. Some of them were very gifted yet like myself they too knew fear and the horrible hold it can take on one; because of that sadly too many never lived the life they had been dreaming of.
As a little girl I used to always say one day I would be an author and dedicate all of my books to my mom. And after that, I would give her keys to her new home where she never again would have to feel the pain of living as a victim of extreme abuse. I want to see that dream come true; for myself, but also for her for she was the only beautiful thing I had for the larger part of my years on earth.
And last, if I'm being totally honest with you,... I don't want to die without at least attempting to reach my goals and dreams. I want my life to change, I am ready to use the passion I have always had in writing and art and make something better of myself.
If you've read this, thank you. And if you can relate; please let your fear go or start to try. Fear does nothing but limit us, steal from us and take away from the soul we are meant to be. LIVE YOUR DREAMS! It is possible...
