Taking it a step further, when it is the person whom you love; the person who refused to let you live in foster care or on the streets; the one you deem your primary care taker even if they struggle they at least try to take care of you. This soul is the kind of soul the world lacks; one that is truly kind, gentle, warm, accepting, nurturing and loving. You want to do anything you can to save them from what you see; from the horrible threats and words shouted...but you can't.
Silently hidden and watching, you
see this person abused; and inside you feel terror, horror, sadness, rage and fear- all amplified because you are helpless. Helpless to help the one soul that was kind enough to Despite the horror they endured daily, this selfless soul still took you in and tried to give you the best life they could- and what is it you are giving them?
As you grow up you may make promises to get money and escape, take them away and give them the good life they deserved all along. Then one day you realize you are no longer a child and it would take a miracle or a blessing of some form to help you raise the money or gain success to earn the money now.
Now as an adult you sit and write a blog post, listening to the same physical violence and verbal violence has gone on for countless years yet it never callouses your heart. Sometimes I envy people who can do that; just shut their emotions off. I can't, no way, no how.
Once again you feel helpless. Even in your 20s you can't save this person unless you figure out a way to make the money or gain the money, and even then there is guilt and all sorts of emotions that no one understands it seems.
Though a survivor of many things, this is the worst. Just witnessing abuse damages children of all ages. Of all I've experienced I'd experience it again, horrific as it may be, if it only meant making that one wish come true. I'd rather take the pain than see my loved ones enduring it; especially if that loved one is the most loved and beautiful soul in your life.
Below is a poem Tupac Shakur wrote- though he wrote it for a different reason, it was still dedicated to his mother. It perfectly speaks for my situation and how I feel.
When Ure Hero Falls - 4 My Hero (My Mother)
when your hero falls from graceall fairy tales R uncoveredmyths exposed and pain magnifiedthe greatest pain discoveredu taught me 2 be strongbut I'm confused 2 c u so weaku said never 2 give upand it hurts 2 c u welcome defeatwhen ure Hero falls so do the starsand so does the perception of tomorrowwithout my Hero there is onlyme alone 2 deal with my sorrow.your Heart ceases 2 workand your soul is not happy at allwhat R u expected 2 dowhen ure only Hero falls- Tupac Shakur[Please be at peace now.]
