Cloudy Day...

Outside my window the grey clouds seem a bit intimidating. I prefer days like this; cloudy, the smell of rain and the wonder of if any is actually going to come. On this day, however, the colorless sky reminds me much of my heart, my emotions.

Events of childhood, even in infancy, make up who we are so much and the ghosts from the past rarely want to let go. I stay away from the memories as much as possible, but when there are triggers everywhere you look it becomes hard to deal with. Even if successful at blocking out the triggers it's likely you'll have to cope with them, and they can sometimes be almost as bad as having a flashback.

Emotionally I can still feel how it felt when my biological parents each independently left, every last time. I don't just remember how it felt, I feel it all over again. So anything that one could construe as abandonment or being unwanted is a huge trigger some days while most days I've grown to learn to handle what is being thrown at me. There are days when I am weaker than others- these are the days the grey skies cover up any hope of a colorful vision. Everything seems so dull, but I refuse to focus on it.

Instead, I've decided today is a day I will spend hidden in my room with books and blankets and plenty of things to write with. Books open up an entire new world and that's where I'd like to be right now.

There is a quote that says something along the lines of, "some days if you just survive you have accomplished something great"- I'm paraphrasing that greatly but that is how today, and the past few days, have felt. I want no pity, no sympathy, none of that. Again, another part of my journey so thought I'd share. I have a feeling I'll be writing more later. For now I am off to read!