Change is in the air; the time has come. I thought I would be ready, thought it would be easy; but it's really just me afraid; me being borderline. I have had to say 'goodbye' to so many people saying goodbye for any reason, even when the goodbye is needed and called for, hurts.
It hurts because it reminds me of the past. It hurts because it sends me into flashbacks, and it scares me- change scares me. Emotions aren't something I take lightly or feel lightly; whatever emotion I am feeling I feel to the depths of my soul. It is consuming, life altering and gets in the way of every good intention or needed action(s) in my life.
In the past I would consume myself with work, art or books. I think it's worth trying again. I can't focus on the fear, not this time. The action being taken may result in a 'goodbye' but it is a necessary one. Whatever needs to be done to cope, is what I must do.
To anyone reading this and understands the fear of abandonment, even when it really isn't abandonment, please remember it is okay to cope in your own way. Don't let anyone tell you your way is selfish; coping is hard enough without feeling guilty. Especially when the guilt is uncalled for and unfounded.
Having PTSD or CPTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder means surviving by rules most can't understand. But the goal is to survive, so do that; whatever it takes to ensure it happens, do. And please, never let anyone tell you it's wrong or selfish of you- your life matters, do what you must to preserve it.
