Personal Rant- Abandonment & Survival

Change is in the air; the time has come. I thought I would be ready, thought it would be easy; but it's really just me afraid; me being borderline. I have had to say 'goodbye' to so many people saying goodbye for any reason, even when the goodbye is needed and called for, hurts.

It hurts because it reminds me of the past. It hurts because it sends me into flashbacks, and it scares me- change scares me. Emotions aren't something I take lightly or feel lightly; whatever emotion I am feeling I feel to the depths of my soul. It is consuming, life altering and gets in the way of every good intention or needed action(s) in my life.

In the past I would consume myself with work, art or books. I think it's worth trying again. I can't focus on the fear, not this time. The action being taken may result in a 'goodbye' but it is a necessary one. Whatever needs to be done to cope, is what I must do.

To anyone reading this and understands the fear of abandonment, even when it really isn't abandonment, please remember it is okay to cope in your own way. Don't let anyone tell you your way is selfish; coping is hard enough without feeling guilty. Especially when the guilt is uncalled for and unfounded.

Having PTSD or CPTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder means surviving by rules most can't understand. But the goal is to survive, so do that; whatever it takes to ensure it happens, do. And please, never let anyone tell you it's wrong or selfish of you- your life matters, do what you must to preserve it.

Unnecessary Legal Punishment Given to Two Diablo III Gamers

Diablo III

There are many people who deserve to be in prison; murderers, rapists...sadly though they don't represent a great deal of the American prison population -even though America is the most violent nation in the so called "developed world". It's drug offenders that make up the majority of our prisons, over 55% while other prisoners are in for thing such as theft, and now, cyber 'crimes'. Neither drug offenses nor cyber activity should hold criminal punishment so long as the latter isn't harmful to others the government should stay out of it. [Note: I would love to go off about how drug offenses shouldn't be 'offenses' but this post is focused on cyber 'crimes'...so I'll save that for a future blog.]
 
Identity theft and things of the like make sense as crimes. But groups such as Anonymous and those affiliated have no place in prison. If criminalizing online activists for trying to do good for society online isn't outrageous enough, misbehaving on a video game can be taken to court, in real life, which in my opinion is scary, insane and a huge reminder that the legal system has far too much control and power over the people when this kind of stuff can be prosecuted.

I'm a gamer; I support

Tamir Rice's Mother Needs URGENT Help! Please Read & Share!

Twelve year old Tamir Rice was shot and killed on video all too recently, he posed no threat to the police, he did nothing wrong. If you watch the tragic video you see the cops pull up at an insane
speed before one jumps out, and within 2.5 seconds shoots and kills the young male. He didn't have time to even warn the child. Now his suffering mother, Samaria Rice, has been forced into a homeless shelter.

Before I go on... Imagine if this had been your child; imagine how it would be to grieve in a homeless shelter after going through such horror. You'd hope others would help in any way they could, and that is all I am asking... Please help Samaria Rice, a grief stricken mother, in any way you can. She truly needs our help and we can do this; we need to unite. So I ask you, please, let's all reach out to her just as you would hope people would reach out to you if you were -gods forbid- in her situation.

Currently, Tamir's mother has been placed in a homeless shelter. I think she has suffered more than enough. She has lost her child; she should be able to grieve in her own place to say the least and she doesn't need nor deserve to lose or struggle anymore.

Let's all do what we can, even if it is just sharing this information with others who may can help. A

Balance is the Key

It feels like it's been ages since I've posted...probably because it has been. I've battled with personal stuff but I also needed to take a break from the work I do. Working with police brutality victims as well as women who have been victimized because they made a responsible, legitimate and non-criminal choice, along with other victims, does begin to wear me down. The last time this happened I ended up in the hospital due to exhaustion. This time I'm trying to keep everything "balanced" or at least a bit more than before.

I've had a dog all of my life until an 'incident' late last year. The hole in my heart I felt needed to be filled so I've adopted another rescue dog and I love her. She definitely has lifted my spirits and helps me maintain a more positive balance when working with such a sad reality. She is a constant good in my life and I am so thankful I found her. I still need to teach her how to walk on a leash/harness, however, so if anyone has any tips for teaching a traumatized dog how to walk without terrifying them...please do drop me a line.

All in all, I plan on writing here of course but also I will be moving all of my blogs over to blogger within the next few days. As for this blog it is going to remain open with any and all subjects open to discuss.

Be Yourself and Be Proud... Random-

For many years I've tried to be a "day person"- someone who manages to get work or hobbies completed by the end of the day, using the night hours for sleep. I've failed at this time and time again. From sunrise to sunset I find myself lethargic, more depressed than usual and all sorts of negative emotions.

As soon as the sun begins to fall, I begin to feel my spirits lift; my soul starts to come alive and I can function. While

When Your Hero Falls...

 No amount of neglect, abandonment or abuse, regardless of the type, can hurt the soul more than seeing a loved one being abused in any form. It's at any age but the younger it starts the harder it is to cope; not to mention how it leaves the soul and brain physically damaged- just hearing or listening!

Taking it a step further, when it is the person whom you love; the person who refused to let you live in foster care or on the streets; the one you deem your primary care taker even if they struggle they at least try to take care of you. This soul is the kind of soul the world lacks; one that is truly kind, gentle, warm, accepting, nurturing and loving. You want to do anything you can to save them from what you see; from the horrible threats and words shouted...but you can't.

Silently hidden and watching, you

Cloudy Day...

Outside my window the grey clouds seem a bit intimidating. I prefer days like this; cloudy, the smell of rain and the wonder of if any is actually going to come. On this day, however, the colorless sky reminds me much of my heart, my emotions.

Events of childhood, even in infancy, make up who we are so much and the ghosts from the past rarely want to let go. I stay away from the memories as much as possible, but when there are triggers everywhere you look it becomes hard to deal with. Even if successful at blocking out the triggers it's likely you'll have to cope with them, and they can sometimes be almost as bad as having a flashback.

Emotionally I can still feel how it felt when my biological parents each independently left, every last time. I don't just remember how it felt, I feel it all over again. So anything that one could construe as abandonment or being unwanted is a huge trigger some days while most days I've grown to learn to handle what is being thrown at me. There are days when I am weaker than others- these are the days the grey skies cover up any hope of a colorful vision. Everything seems so dull, but I refuse to focus on it.

Instead, I've decided today is a day I will spend hidden in my room with books and blankets and plenty of things to write with. Books open up an entire new world and that's where I'd like to be right now.

There is a quote that says something along the lines of, "some days if you just survive you have accomplished something great"- I'm paraphrasing that greatly but that is how today, and the past few days, have felt. I want no pity, no sympathy, none of that. Again, another part of my journey so thought I'd share. I have a feeling I'll be writing more later. For now I am off to read!