*Note: I almost didn't post this because I see it as personal and pointless, but it is part of my story. It is part of my journey both as a growing individual and an aspiring author and artist. It is a bit emotional but this is where I let go; this is where I am allowed to be free of any care or worry. And now, here's to hoping for an end to the sad and tragic times quickly as possible. * For weeks
binders, folders, random notebook papers, file cases and journals have
covered the entire side of my bed. I want to go through my collected
writings for many reasons: inspiration, ideas, half written stories
I'd like to finish writing or a possible forgotten piece for me to work
on and add to one of my poetry, essay or short story compilation
book(s). Not to mention, it is nice as well as it is motivating to
see the works I've created over just the past years. I have far more
work from childhood and teenage years which I haven't even bothered
looking at yet.
Before I start this I just wanna note another goal I have for this webpage and myself: Write and post
here at least once a day, every day, until I am published [ or longer ]. I've always been too afraid of rejection (thanks to a life time of abuse and rejection) to try to publish any of my work. Just working on compiling and planning it sometimes scares me and I want to run.
I have been so afraid of failing my biggest passion and dreams I've allowed society to lower my
belief in my chances, to make me not want to try. Basically, I allowed fear to move into my heart and I let a lot of once in a lifetime things simply pass by. I can't get them back now, but I can control the future.
I can't run away this time- I refuse to. I've experienced more of 'life' than I care to admit, from infancy onward. I am now in my twenties and after this last traumatic event, I feel I've finally hit the bottom this time. Everyone is different but personally I can only watch/hear loved ones being treated severely abused or wronged and not break. Add that to all the other personal struggles going on in life and after awhile burn out will knock you down. At least,
Though I know you are never supposed to show your weakness(es) I am going to show mine and try to overcome both (I have more but these two are troublesome). Success or failure; which shall it be?
I'll start by saying growing up was far from 'normal' and abuse as well as neglect embedded themselves in my tiny head and have remained my friends since those days so long past. I've wanted to be a writer / researcher all of my life. I used to ask for notepads and pens when I was 3 and couldn't write. I day dreamed of learning to read and to understand how to make words with these two objects; a pen, a piece of paper. It wasn't very long after that before I learned these secret and by age 6 I started my life long collection of journals.
Now at over 130 not including my computer journals.
I've spent years researching and writing for myself. For awhile I wrote for others and of course I have kept at least one blog at a time running for over a decade now. But to be an author means more. I have countless short stories and poems along side a couple of full out books I've written but done nothing with. Fear is horrible and dominated me for far too long. Honestly, I just love the process of researching and writing...but it would be nice to have some money because sadly if that's all you spend your time doing (unless you're rich) you'll find yourself writing with new, strange people every day.
Recently another traumatic event happened and it landed me in survival mode. I am going to be brave, from here on out, and take risks for what is life without risk anyhow? If my work is rejected and hated at least I tried. To me a person cannot fail until they give up or don't try. So I made this blog to go with me on my journey, and here we are.
My other dream has been to be an artist. I do many types of art, but photography is my favorite...photography and photo manipulation, that is. I love self expression and emotive photos. And after putting my camera down due to a house of dysfunction and rage, I've finally picked it back up again and am going to start a Flickr account for both my photography and digital art work.
I'm trying. I don't expect the masses to stop their lives and watch as I go on about my journey, but who knows, maybe this will in some way help someone or do something positive... I truly hope it does.
Lesson of the moment: Refusing to let fear of not being good enough defeat me. Now, action time!!! : So, I'm going to grab my cameras and go take some shots, come back, manipulate them and hopefully when shared tonight they'll be met with interest.
Writing, photography and all art are stories or expressions are from my soul; pieces of either my past or present as well as my emotions. So of course it is hard to put those raw creations outside to be judged or rejected. But at least I am trying and maybe I'll get a surprise. Maybe I am finally on my way to touching my deepest goals and dreams.
And with that, my journey officially begins! If you've read this, no matter who you are... Never give up! Find a way, make a way, to spend life doing what you love, not what you've been told.
For weeks
binders, folders, random notebook papers, file cases and journals have
covered the entire side of my bed. I want to go through my collected
writings for many reasons: inspiration, ideas, half written stories
I'd like to finish writing or a possible forgotten piece for me to work
on and add to one of my poetry, essay or short story compilation
book(s). Not to mention, it is nice as well as it is motivating to
see the works I've created over just the past years. I have far more
work from childhood and teenage years which I haven't even bothered
looking at yet.
